Daryl and Susie's Summer Special
by McGeesJabberwock
Summary: In a parody of the House of Mouse, Daryl the dragon makes a nightclub for the characters of my fanfiction, and it all goes awry.


This story is based on my webcomic Daryl and Susie, which can be read at www (dot) drunkduck (dot) com (slash) Daryl_And_Susie (slash), as well as a lot of my other fanfiction.

* * *

The story so far:

_Daryl Blitherblot is a dragon, a bipedal, six-foot one, who was hatched in the magical land of Kirkalan. From a young age, he was captured by the forces of the evil witch Aosoth, who saught revenge on the Blitherblot clan as Daryl's father had killed her father and had ruined many of her schemes before his death in battle. Daryl spent most of his life in Aosoth's castle, working for her as a minion because he feared her. Then, one day, Aosoth had a plan to make more minions, and she needed Daryl's help to carry it out._

_She would make monsters come out of his head._

_Whenever Daryl would get overly upset, a monster would be created, and crawl out of his cranium into the world. After being given this condition which he suffers from to this day, Daryl decided he had had enough of Aosoth, and joined a quest to destroy her. Aosoth was destroyed, and since Daryl couldn't stay in Kirkalan due to his reputation, he, at the request of God of Sissiness Spartypuss, moved to England to make a new start. He even adopted an excitable little girl named Susie, and tried to live a normal life with minimal interference from the head monsters._

_Then Aosoth was resurrected._

_After being revived by a dark wizard, Aosoth tried to get revenge on Daryl for betraying her by kidnapping Susie, forcing Daryl to return to Kirkalan. There, he met fellow dragon Denise, a more active, able warrior who chastised him for letting Aosoth dominate him. After Susie was saved, Denise decided to help Daryl redeem himself by training him to fight the evils of Kirkalan. While he did, one of Daryl's head monsters, called The Mayor, decided to train under Aosoth. Soon, the Mayor managed to steal Aosoth's powers and tried to take over Kirkalan with an army of Daryl's head monsters. Thankfully, Daryl managed to shove the Mayor back in his head, and continued living in England while fighting evil in Kirkalan._

Which brings us to today.

Through the magic of magic, Daryl and Susie had gone to Kirkalan to aid Denise in fighting the Bellowing Blob of Bob Bog, who had been on a rampage. The gelatinous glob was inflammable, so fire breath was a no-no when it came to stopping the thing, and poor Daryl had managed to get stuck in its innards. When Denise tried to help him out, she too got stuck inside, thus they both did nothing but watch as the beast attacked more helpless villagers. It was up to Susie to save the day, as she lured the Blob to a nearby farm. Turns out goats really enjoy the taste of blob, who knew?

Both Denise and Daryl escaped with stings of disappointment in their bellies, but were satisfied that at least the monster was defeated, so Daryl asked Denise to come on over to his house to unwind.

'Well, we've certainly had better fights,' grumbled Denise, still wiping some gunk off her scales as she entered.

'Look,' said Daryl, placing a claw on her shoulder, 'let's just forget about that now. Let's watch TV!' With that, Daryl flipped in the air and landed on the couch. 'TV Party tonight!' He grinned, but that grin vanished upon Denise raising an eyebrow. Removing himself from the couch for a moment, he brushed off his tweed jacket in an attempt to regain his dignity.

Susie rolled her eyes. 'Well, let's just watch the boob tube, shall we?' Turning on _The Big Bang Theory_, she slumped herself onto the couch, watching as Denise did the same thing.

'Where is that disembodied laughter coming from?' asked Denise as she watched.

'One of life's mysteries,' replied Susie.

Daryl soon sat with them, twitching a little as he did so. While Susie was laughing and Denise asked more questions, he sat in silence.

'You know, Denise,' said Susie, her finger on her chin, 'We may fight a lot of evil, but I think we have it better than most characters in Gareth Paul Barsby stories.'

'What do you mean?'

'I mean, Daryl may have monsters in his head, but he doesn't have a huge demonic shark. Not that I'd mind fighting a huge demonic shark, but still.'

Ah yes, thought Daryl. He had heard of Otherworld and all those stories his creator wrote before making his comic. Even with all its monsters and black magic, Kirkalan seemed a paradise compared to Otherworld, but reading them did make him wonder what would happen if he fought against the villains there. Or what if Denise fought them? They wouldn't stand a chance against her. No, Denise hated it whenever Daryl would overdo the praise, so he tried to get those thoughts out of his head.

But there must be something he could do with Otherworld, wasn't there?

The doorbell rang.

'I'll get it,' said Daryl, walking away from the television. Upon opening the door, he saw a large pink cat, wearing a red waistcoat and bowtie. 'Oh, Spartypuss, what are you doing here?'

Spartypuss beamed that wide smile, showing off his almost-blindingly white teeth. 'I heard you were having a celebration! Can I join you?'

Daryl sighed, still feeling like he owed Spartypuss. 'Oh, go ahead. I'll make some more popcorn.'

'Yay!' So in leapt Spartypuss, who skipped to the living room, an 'Oh no' coming from Susie's mouth. Ignoring his daughter's chagrin for the moment, Daryl went over to the kitchen and put a bag of popcorn into the microwave. After it was ready, he walked back into the living room to find Spartypuss sitting on the couch between an uneasy Susie and Denise, the station changed to the Disney Channel.

'Why do we still hang out with him?' Susie grumbled.

'Oh, come on, Susie,' said Daryl, attempting to mimic Spartypuss' famous smile, 'He's not that bad. And we should let the guest watch what he wants.' With no more room on the couch, Daryl stood instead, the popcorn bowl still in his claws. On the TV was _House of Mouse_, that cartoon about Mickey Mouse owning a club for Disney characters. 'Hey, didn't that get burned down by the Mad Hatter?'

Denise's eyes narrowed. 'What are you talking about?'

'It was a...' Daryl sighed, handing over the popcorn bowl. 'Never mind.'

All four of them sat to watch the show in silence, with even Susie not making her usual colour commentary. When it ended, however, Spartypuss broke into eccentric applause, his mouth opening wide enough to swallow a man. Even when Denise and Susie gave him the customary stare he continued.

'That was a great show! I love Disney!'

'You know,' said Daryl, 'That actually got me thinking. Susie, you know how you said the other Gareth characters have it worse than us?'

'I don't think I'll like where this is going.'

Daryl put a claw to his chin. 'I wonder what would happen if there was a House of Mouse for characters from Gareth fanfics. I mean, it would be nice if they had a place to relax after facing insanity on a daily basis.' Stopping himself from continuing, he slumped his shoulders. 'But it's probably a stupid idea.'

Spartypuss sprang off the couch, with even his bowtie appearing to spring up. 'No, it's a great idea! Remember when I and Aruff made those schools? Well, I'm pretty sure I could make a nightclub, and we could run it!'

'You and your big mouth,' said Susie to Daryl.

'Spartypuss,' growled Denise, 'I'm a warrior battling for the safety of Kirkalan. I don't have time to run a nightclub for maniacs.'

'Can't you fight evil and run a nightclub?'

'I have to sleep, you know.'

'Well, Daryl doesn't.' Spartypuss gestured at Daryl's head, making the dragon remember how dreams made those monsters more frequent. 'Besides, there hasn't been that much evil since Aosoth lost her powers.'

'There's always evil, Spartypuss. Kirkalan will be threatened by darkness sooner or later.'

Instantly, Susie had that smile on. The smile that seemed to make Daryl's head quiver. 'So, if this club will have all the Gareth characters,' said Susie, 'What if we invited all the villains, too?'

'What?' cried the other three in unison.

'Well, think about it. Denise, it'll allow you to keep an eye on their evil activity so you can suss out their next move. Daryl, you want to be a hero, and, I'm sure if you ask nicely, the villains of Otherworld will join your rogue's gallery. Sparty, you'll have more people to make happy. And as for me, I get to prove to them who's boss.'

Snarling again, Denise attempted to respond. 'Susie...'

'So it's settled!' cried Spartypuss, 'I'll make a lovely club appear right here, and Daryl can even be the owner!'

'Me?' Daryl's head began to quiver again.

'Yeah! It was your idea!' Spartypuss began to twirl around the room. 'So let's begin work on the House of Dragon!'

'Um, Sparty,' said Susie, tugging on the cat god's waistcoat, 'There's a Chinese down the street with the same name.'

'Oh,' said Spartypuss, 'Well, then it'll be called The House of Daryl!'

'I'm not sure I want my name...' said Daryl, holding his head.

'Oh come on!' Spartypuss said, stretching his arms. 'It'll be fun!' And with that, he trapped Daryl, Denise and Susie in a group hug.

'Oh...' Denise bit her lip, her toes wriggling a little. 'I suppose it can't hurt to give it a try.'

'Yay!'

Despite being a god, Spartypuss' powers were quite limited. He couldn't cure Daryl's condition, after all, but he could create buildings from thin air. Thus, all it took was a wave of his finger, and, from under Daryl's house, rose a huge cylinder-shaped building, bathing the neighbourhood in an array of flamboyant light.

'Okay then,' said Susie, looking out of the window, 'We've got the club, now we need some guests. Can you poof up some?'

Spartypuss slumped down on the couch, his gigantic feet spread out. 'Making that club's made me all pooped.'

'I guess I'll handle the invitations then,' said Daryl.

And,' continued Susie, pacing the room, 'we'll need entertainment. And you're not exactly entertaining, are you, Spartypuss?'

'Don't be mean, Susie,' said Spartypuss, 'I've got something great for the entertainment!' With that, he pulled out something that resembled a fax machine.

'What's that?'

'It's a story machine! If you put a written story into it, it turns the story into a movie! I've written loads of lovely stories and put them into this machine to entertain the children of Kirkalan!'

'Yeah, yeah, I doubt this audience is going to want to see your stories up on screen. I've got some...'

'Oh no!' said Sparypuss, cradling his machine, 'You write nasty stories!'

'Duh, that's what our target audience wants!'

'If we give them nice stories, maybe they'll be nicer!'

Denise chose not to respond, but rather went upstairs to help Daryl with his invitations.

'Okay,' said Daryl, jotting down the guest list, 'Gwen Wickiton is a prestigious scientist so she should definitely be a guest of honour...and the Billy Goats Gruff...'

Denise snatched the guest list from Daryl's claws and looked it over. 'I'm still not sure about this, Daryl. I mean, most of these characters weren't even created by Gareth.'

'And about 95% of Disney's characters weren't created by the company either,' said Daryl, 'Besides, you're always saying I should explore my roots more, and I'm pretty much doing that.'

Handing back the guest list, Denise replied, 'You know I'm only going along with this so I can observe the evil of Otherworld?'

'Yes,' Daryl nodded. 'I'm making sure to invite them. If they try anything funny...' He swung his fist into the air, knocking himself over in the process. 'Whammo!' he cried, feet in the air.

* * *

Soon enough, the big night came. The invitations had been sent out, the stories had been written for adaptation, and outside the House of Daryl, demons, monsters, lunatics, werewolves, vampire animals, Cheshire Cats, and assorted freaks came for their entertainment. All of them were watched by a snake, donning a jacket and tie.

'I'm Cedric Snake here, and we're live outside the House of Daryl, the new club for the weirdoes and creatures of Otherworld! This is the grand opening, and many esteemed guests are arriving here right now!'

Slithering down the red carpet, Cedric saw a huge skull-shaped monster truck roar down the road, stopping in front of the club. A floating shark flew out.

'Here we have the embodiment of shark's killer instinct, the creature who'll get you in "deep trouble", Dark Side!' The shark, a character from 'The Little Shark', bowed, and showed off his grin in front of the cameras. 'So Dark Side, do you have high hopes for this show?'

'_I'm quite lenient when it comes to entertainment,_' said Dark Side, '_Almost anything can be twisted, after all._' As he floated in, a bloodhound walked towards his car.

'How did I end up with this job...' grumbled the dog before reaching Dark Side's vehicle. 'Gotta get me one of those.'

After the truck was parked, a more elegant car followed, one that resembled a sleek hearse. From that vehicle came a dapper man in a top hat and long black coat. This elegant ensemble failed to distract from his blue skin, and lack of a face save for two bulging eyes.

'Here he is, the ruler of the Otherworld, the gentleman of gruesome, the Hatter!'

'I am merely viewing this show for the novelty of seeing a reptile make a cretin out of himself,' said the Hatter, 'I prefer my theatre to have significance, but I do find it diverting to remove the Michael from those less intelligent than yours truly.'

'Right.' Turning around, Cedric saw more figures exit the hearse; a March Hare, a Dormouse, a Duchess and a whole group of Cheshire Cats. 'Oh great,' said Cedric, tail slapping forehead, 'Nothing is sacred. And speaking of which, our next guests come from a perversion of a famed cartoon, the worst fiends you can think of. It's the creatures from Foster's House!'

A bus pulled up, and out came a group of characters from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, all twisted into horrendous forms.

'Hey, there's Wilt! Wilt, what are you doing here?'

'I want to see the show! That okay?'

'What I mean is, I thought you died in _An Imaginary War_.'

'Oh!' Wilt leapt back a bit.

'If you complain about continuity,' said Bloo, floating up to Cedric, 'You're a dork.'

'Fair enough,' said Cedric.

Cedric introduced more guests – the Billy Goats Gruff and their troll nemesises, Bob the Dancing Camel, the Shadow – and soon, all the guests were sat at their tables, beneath a gigantic screen.

'Feh!' said the Hatter as he and his cohorts were seated, 'These surroundings are far too bright! I prefer my diversions with at least a smidgen of monochrome.'

'I think it's just darlin', m'lord,' replied the Duchess.

Nearby the Hatter sat one of his subjects; Mr. Whiskers, besides his adopted daughter Lola. The former was still in his rabbit form, the latter still a snake. 'Oh goody!' cried Whiskers, clapping his feet together, 'I bet there'll be clowns!'

'Sheesh,' replied Lola, 'You always do.' She sighed, but upon seeing Whiskers' eyes narrow, she forced a smile.

From behind the screen, Daryl looked out at his awaiting audience. 'Geez, how many weirdoes are there?'

'Oh, come on, Daryl!' Turning, Daryl noticed Susie approaching him.

'Aren't you supposed to be greeting the guests?'

'Aren't you supposed to be on stage?'

With a shove, Susie sent Daryl stumbling onto the stage. As he recollected himself, the spotlight shone on Daryl, silencing the array of creatures. Daryl turned away at their gazes, and instead chose to focus on the light above him. His claws twitched.

'Daryl!'

'Oh, right!' His head shifted away from the spotlight and towards his audience. 'Erm...hello! My name is Daryl Blitherblot and...' His wings beat frantically before he caught them. '...I'm your host. I have a...' A millisecond of silence. '...have a lot to say, but I don't want to _drag-on_!' He chuckled at his own joke, but no-one else followed suit. 'Let's see, who do we have in the audience...ah, the Three Billy Goats Gruff! I hope you don't..._butt in_ while I'm presenting!' The audience remained silent, except for Big Billy Goat Gruff, who let out a low baa. 'And I think we have a romantic couple in the audience!' Another spotlight shone in the crowd, highlighting a young human couple sharing a table. 'Derek and Jenny! A beautiful young woman and a shark that was the subject of some deranged experiment! A round of applause for the two.' There was no applause, but rather just Jenny burying her face in her hand.

Susie, doing as Jenny did, cried, 'Just introduce the first story!'

'Okay, using a sophisticated piece of machinery, we are going to bring a story to life before your very eyes!'

'That's right!' squealed Spartypuss, poofing himself onto the stage. This time, the audience did react, with about ninety percent of them booing. 'It's a really lovely, nice story about...' A rotten tomato flew into Spartypuss' face. 'Hey!' In an instant, Spartypuss bawled, tears flowing from his sockets.

'Let's just watch this,' groaned Daryl, loading a story into the machine.

* * *

DARYL BUYS A LAWNMOWER

Susie sat on the couch, her eyelids drooping, barely listening to the television she was facing. Though she normally found the show hilarious, she couldn't be bothered to laugh. All that came from the television was a garbled noise, but it was still entertaining noise.

'Susie!' The cry of her adopted father shook her awake, but only by a little. 'Didn't I tell you to mow the lawn today?'

'Did you?' said Susie, turning back to the television. Now that she was a little more alert, she actually laughed at a joke.

'Yes,' said Daryl, a small tendril of smoke escaping a nostril, 'If you don't, no pocket money.'

'Can't.' Susie propped her feet up on the couch, treating it like a second bed. 'Mower's broken.'

Daryl opened his mouth to reply, but just went outside to check that Susie was telling the truth. Indeed, when Daryl turned on the lawnmower, it spluttered before falling apart. 'Well, guess I have to buy a new one, then.' So he flew off to look for the best place to buy a new mower, though he did feel somewhat dozy due to the pounding heat of the summer sun. Sure enough, though, he did find a store at the end of the street with a sign advertising 'Discount Lawnmowers!' He had been in England long enough to know the usual connotations of 'discount', but it was still tempting to someone on the dole.

'Hello?' said Daryl, entering the store to find it covered in shadow. 'I'm...'

'Yes?' A voice from behind caused Daryl to leap to the ceiling before falling on his tail. Turning around, he saw an emaciated old man leering over him.

'Excuse me,' said Daryl, fiddling with his collar, 'I'm looking for a new lawnmower and...'

'Well,' said the old man, hobbling over to a darkened corner, 'I have just the thing you need.' Daryl couldn't see the man and whatever he was doing, but soon enough, the man stepped into the light, holding a lawnmower. 'Twenty quid.'

Without really pondering on it, Daryl gave the man a £20 note and flew away with the lawnmower.

'Susie!' he yelled as he entered his house, only to find her asleep in front of the TV. 'Susie, get up!' He shook her, but still no response. 'Oh well,' he grumbled, taking the lawnmower to the back garden. Taking a look at the overgrown greenery for a few seconds, Daryl revved up the mower to begin work. As soon as the mower was revved up, however, it leapt into the air, roaring.

This made Daryl stumble over again, but that shock became pleasant surprise when he saw the mower was trimming the grass all by itself, propelled by some invisible force. Every corner, every spot of the garden mowed until the job was finished.

'Wow,' said Daryl, 'I guess I did get a good deal.' So off he went to unplug the mower, a sense of relief tingling in him now that he'd have to cajole Susie less. Upon reaching the plug though, the mower sprang in his direction, landing on his head. Pried away from the plug, Daryl just wobbled about the room as his precious bowler hat was reduced to tiny pieces.

Grabbing the mower off his head, Daryl flung it to the floor, with the machine still roaring. Daryl breathed fire, but suddenly, the mower began mowing that too, spitting out miniature Christmas lights as it did so. 'What?' While preparing for another attack, Daryl found the mower shrinking and then mowing his teeth. The result was a brighter, whiter smile for Daryl.

Having done with improving Daryl's oral hygiene, the mower roared into the living room to ruin the carpet, waking Susie. 'See, this is why I didn't want to mow the lawn.'

'Susie!' With the mower distracted, Daryl grabbed the plug, only to receive 10,000 volts through his body until he lay on the floor, his scales black and charred. 'Ooh...'

'You didn't buy from that sinister shop of evil artefacts down the street, did you?'

'It's evil?'

'Duh! Why else would it keep disappearing?' As soon as Susie said that, the mower shrank again, enabling it to mow the hair off her head. 'I like this look. It makes me look 'ard.'

'Susie, look!' The mower's cord had began stretching and extending, allowing the mechanical monster to escape the house and go out into the world. As soon as it saw an innocent passerby walking the streets, it pinned him down and mowed him until he was but a pile of entrails and bloody pulp. The next passerby met the same fate, but when a particularly portly person met the mower, his stomach exploded, covering the town in pieces of McDonalds.

Daryl flew out of his house, determined to put an end to this heartless massacre. Up, up, he went, far into the sky, until he came darting down in the lawnmower's direction. While Daryl hoped he would smash the mower into bits, he instead found the cord constricting him tightly. Unable to move his arms, legs and wings, Daryl could only watch as the lawnmower killed more innocent citizens. As the blood splattered all over Daryl, images flooded back into his mind.

Yes, blood...that's what he had to spill...

He had to kill for no reason, just like this lawnmower was now...

The lawnmower had to die...

Out from Daryl's head burst another monster; a giant hammer with muscular arms and legs. After it slid down the coil, it jumped up and began smashing the mower. As it did, Daryl noticed actual entrails in the mower's system, which the hammer also began smashing into red splatter. With the mower defeated, Daryl dropped onto the ground, the grip of the cord loosened. With the amount of blood and corpses about, he did not celebrate the victory but rather looked away while uncontrollably shivering.

The hammer came towards him. 'Don't think I forgot about you...'

* * *

'Susie!' yelled Daryl, stomping towards the grinning girl, 'You fixed the story, didn't you?'

'What?' said Susie, sniggering, 'I think it's an improvement.'

'It was utterly disgusting!' Daryl cried, holding his hat, 'And what would the audience...' Before Daryl could finish, he noticed loud, uproarious applause.

'_Now this is my kind of entertainment!_' Dark Side clapped his fins before laughing at Derek's vomiting.

'A fine example of insanity!' said the Hatter, not noticing the March Hare squirming in his seat.

'That was awesome!' Bloo floated and somersaulted in the air.

Daryl, Denise and Susie looked among the crowd, and while Denise slapped her claw against her face and Susie grinned, Daryl wasn't exactly sure what to think of this. He chose not to respond to his friends' responses, but just went on stage. 'Heh, heh, wasn't that great, folks? There'll...um...be more coming up, so don't touch that dial!'

'We don't have remotes,' grumbled Jenny from beneath, tending to her friend after his reaction to the story.

'Well...er...enjoy the rest of the show anyway!'

As Daryl went off stage, Jenny pulled back her seat, only to find Spartypuss behind her. 'You two are such a lovely couple! Love is so sweet!'

'Um, yeah, sure...now...'

'I'll be your waiter, and I'm sure you'll want a big romantic meal!'

Jenny pushed back her seat again, but Derek tapped on the table in slight protest. 'Let him serve us,' he said in a small voice, wiping sick off his face.

'Oh, fine. What are the specials?'

'For drinks we have Brandy and Mr Whiskey, and Foster's Foster's. For main courses, we have the Great Burgerzini, the Werewolf Asparagus...'

'Derek,' said Jenny, 'If that's what they're calling the food, I don't think we should stay.'

'Maybe you're right,' said Derek, suddenly a shark again.

'Um, how did that happen?'

'Oh dearie me,' said Spartypuss, 'There must be bad magic here.'

And with that, Jenny and Derek left.

'Look, Susie!' Daryl pointed at the shark and girl waltzing out. 'Guests are leaving. Maybe we should tone down the gory stuff.'

'No, weren't you listening? They left because of the lame puns on the menu! I told you not to do that, Daryl! Anyway...' Susie turned away from Daryl and went back up on the stage. 'Who here likes blood and gore?' The audience all raised their hands and roared in delight. 'Well, then prepare yourself for "Bloody Day of Death!"' With that, Susie placed another document into Spartypuss' machine.

* * *

As the story was being adapted, a plump figure lurked in the basement, rubbing his hands together as he did so. 'Oh, this will be fun!'

The Mayor. Having escaped from Daryl's head on a cotton swab while Daryl cleaned out his ears, the Mayor sought revenge on that despicable dragon. After what happened last time, a face-to-face fight would be a bad idea, but this 'House of Daryl' thing suggested such possibilities.

Using the powers he had stolen from Aosoth, the Mayor conjured up a time bomb and admired it. Not only would it blow up Daryl and his friends, it would kill any heroes that could potentially fight him, and kill any villains that could be competition. Or if they survived, they would see that he was a force to be reckoned with. Just imagine, him, ruler of the Otherworld!

It would certainly be an interesting place to rule. He was born the ruler of Daryl's head, watching over what Daryl created with his thoughts. Who wouldn't like to rule that? But Daryl had no imagination. Every creature would be an extension of his pathetic whining. Once or twice Daryl would create a monster worthy of a figure like the Mayor, but most of the time, his monsters weren't too spectacular.

So it was up to the Mayor to fix that.

He knew Daryl's secrets, he knew his regrets, so why not use them against him? The wounds that ran the deepest had to create the more interesting monsters. So by delving into Daryl's dark side, Daryl created such an army for the Mayor, one which he could use to conquer Kirkalan. Daryl could do nothing because he'd be too guilt-ridden. It was perfect!

He had managed to give the knights of Kirkalan a good beating, and had terrified the King out of his throne. But then Daryl and his girlfriend had to come and ruin everything. Daryl and the Mayor fought in Daryl's mind, where the former beat the latter with his thoughts. Those limp, idiotic thoughts.

Now that moron thinks he can run his little dinner theatre and entertain villains. Oh, there'll be entertainment, alright.

After making sure the time bomb was up and running, he crept up the stairs, thinking about the popcorn he would eat upon Daryl's demise.

* * *

'Susie!' yelled Spartypuss from a table after Susie's story had finished, 'Stop showing these gory stories! I have to see enough blood!' So Spartypuss covered his eyes as he served another glass of blood to Dingbat.

'But the audience eats it up!' replied Susie, 'And here's something else you'll eat up: Otherworld Gossip with Claudia the Caribou!'

On stage walked an anthropomorphic caribou in a red dress. 'Oh, let's get this over with...' She held up a sheet of paper. 'Rumour has it that...that Abraham Lincoln is apparently hiding in Otherworld and is planning to have a gunfight with the Hatter...'

'Ooh!' The Hatter clapped his hands. 'I know such talk is merely poor entertainment, but imagine if it was true!'

'And...oh, Jesus, I'm not reading this.'

'You want to get paid, don't you?'

'Very well...and apparently Bob has gotten tired of the dancing lark and plans on going into politics. His first order of business will be...oh, Christ...to replace the police force with rats that give criminals the plague.' Holding the paper closer to her face, Claudia read more of its contents. 'And...and it is rumoured that the Great Bruzzini is in a relationship with famed scientist Gwen Wickiton.'

'Pah!' Bruzzini stood up from his chair, 'I...' Just then, he saw none other than Gwen, in her green scaly glory, sitting beside him.

'Well, I think you're kinda cute,' said Gwen, but then both noticed the lunatics and demons staring at them with glee.

'You see, Daryl,' said Susie, 'I know what these people want. I'm fit to entertain these ghouls and monsters and you aren't!'

Daryl arched an eyebrow. 'What are you saying?'

'What I'm saying,' continued Susie, 'Is that you're out of here!' With a swift kick, Susie sent Daryl into the audience, who then proceeded to carry him out of the door. In seconds, Daryl found himself lying on a wet pavement, shuddering. Looking up, he saw the sign of the club change.

House of Susie.

'Well thank goodness he's gone, eh?' said Susie to the audience, 'His head really is hollow, isn't it?' Her viewers roared in agreement. 'Seriously though, I know you guys work really hard spreading terror and insanity, so you deserve some high-class entertainment, and a suitable environment.' In a blast of smoke, Aruff appeared, having finished parking cars. 'Aruff, do your stuff!'

With a click of his fingers, Aruff drained away all the colour from the walls and floor, the latter now bearing a warped chessboard pattern. Gargoyles and black vines framed the story screen, and the chairs now resembled tombstones.

'Such fine decor indeed,' said the Hatter.

'A reflection of the world,' said the Queen of Trolls.

'It's horrible,' said Spartypuss, now the brightest thing in the room.

'Shut your trap,' snarled the Queen, 'I'm sick of your happy-happy crap.'

'You're mean! You're the Queen of Mean!'

'Now you're pushing it.'

From behind a speaker, the Mayor quietly grunted. 'Fiddlesticks. Daryl got out.' Wishing to see the dragon blown to smithereens, the Mayor tried to think up a spell.

'Okay, Sparty,' said Susie, holding up another sheet of paper. 'Here's a story about you!'

* * *

SPARTYPUSS AND ARUFF  
IN  
CLUBBED TO DEATH

'You know something, brother?' Aruff, Kirkalan's dog god of war, lounged on a park bench, his helmet almost covering his eyes. 'Maybe I was wrong about Britain.'

From a flower bed sprung Aruff's brother Spartypuss, Kirkalan's cat god of sweetness and soppiness. 'Is it because it's beautiful?'

'Actually quite the opposite. Look how grey and gloomy the sky is, and those buildings have such washed-out colour.'

Spartypuss looked around, his smile fading. 'Oh yes.'

'And I've heard there's a wee spot of violence there too, especially in the nightclubs.' Just then, Aruff sprang from the bench and onto his feet, conjuring a sword from nowhere. 'That's it!' He held his sword in the air, swirling it about a bit. 'Let's go clubbing!'

'But you said it was violent!' Spartypuss returned to his flowers.

'But I think it'll be fun! And we might even pick up some babes!'

'But you're married!'

'I'm also worshipped by barbarians. I need to keep being seen with an attractive female by my side or I'll lose respect! Besides...' Aruff smiled smugly, showing off his razor-sharp teeth. 'There'll be dancing.'

'Ooh, I love dancing!' So with a click of his fingers, Spartypuss conjured up a tutu, which Aruff made disappear almost instantly afterward. 'Why did you do that?'

'You're lucky I don't...' Making his sword disappear, Aruff put his hand on Spartypuss' shoulder. 'I'm trying to help you. And tutus don't make you a lot of friends.'

'But the children love my ballet!'

'No, they love to see gods make utter twits of themselves to make them feel better about their own pointless existences. Now, let's think of something more appropriate...'

After night fell, Aruff and Spartypuss both neared the Revelations nightclub, both wearing t-shirts and jeans with intentional holes. Spartypuss quivered with embarrassment at his new get-up at first, but then he listened to the music pounding from inside the club and his tail began to move rhythmically back and forth.

'Oi!' After a few people entered, Aruff and Spartypuss faced the two fat bouncers guarding the club. 'No pets allowed!'

While Spartypuss cowered away, Aruff stood firm, hands on hips. 'Look, I am the God of War and Violence, and Ruler of the Barbarians. You seem a bit like barbarians, so please let me and my brother in.'

The two bouncers had a good laugh. 'Yer a right one, ain't ya?'

'This bloke's a right nutter.'

'Yes, of course I'm right. Now let us in.'

'Oh, a smart guy. Beat it.' So off Spartypuss ran, and Aruff followed him.

'Aw, and that music sounded really nice too.'

'Um, Spartypuss,' growled Aruff, his hands on hips again, 'We can teleport in.'

'But that would be naughty!'

A slug right between the eyes sent Spartypuss tumbling to the ground, Aruff sneering over him. 'You're a god, rules don't apply to you. You're more powerful than those humans. Now c'mon!' Aruff poofed away, as Spartypuss wobbled back on his feet. After a shrug, he did as Aruff did and found himself among bright neon and flashing floor tiles.

'Wow!' said Spartypuss, unable to move his feet in spite of the music.

'Hey!' said a young man in Spartypuss' direction, 'Are you a poof?'

While having no idea what that meant, Spartypuss guessed in his head that it was something nice and fluffy. 'Yes.' With that, the young man laughed, and Spartypuss tried to look for Aruff.

'Hey!' Turning, Spartypuss saw his brother sitting at the bar, next to a girl. 'Watch the master at work.' Thus, Aruff turned to the young woman, drink in hand. 'So, you wanna go back to my place and see my trophies?' The girl didn't respond, but instead, started scratching. 'Oh no, did I forget to check for fleas again?'

'I don't think we should stay here,' said Spartypuss, 'I don't feel good here.'

'Oh, relax!' Aruff revealed his glorious fangs again. 'Don't get down just because of a few hiccups here and there.'

'I'm just worried this'll become like that episode of My Little Pony.'

'Don't mention that show, you'll lose even more cred.'

'But you watch it...' With that, Aruff slapped his hand around Spartypuss' mouth.

'Let's just dance.'

'Yay!' Instantly, Spartypuss poofed a tutu on his body, and Aruff was too busy shaking his head to make it disappear. Finding a space among the raving youngsters, Spartypuss began pirouetting and prancing to everybody's amusement. Amusement, of course, meaning laughter at the display. Seeing no reason not to, Aruff laughed too, until...

'Ooh, I just love a guy who's not afraid to show his sensitive side,' said a woman, approaching Spartypuss. 'Let's...'

'I'm sorry,' said Spartypuss, 'I'm kinda tired right now, so I'm going home.' And saying that, he poofed his way back to Kirkalan.

As Aruff buried his face in a hand, the two bouncers barged into the room. 'Ere. I knew that dog was gonna be trouble. Get 'im.' With a quick swipe of his sword, Aruff decapitated the two bouncers.

'Well tonight wasn't a particular waste,' said Aruff in the paddy wagon.

* * *

'There you go,' said Susie to Spartypuss, 'Happy now?'

'No!' said Spartypuss, 'That story was vulgar and terrible!'

'Loathe as I am to admit it,' said the Hatter, 'I find myself agreeing with your assessment of that audio-visual entertainment. While I did enjoy the moment of lunacy at the conclusion, the remainder of the narrative was underwhelming.'

'_I just hated it because that pink idiot came out on top_,' said Dark Side.

'Yeah,' yelled the rest of the audience.

'Oh great,' said Susie to Spartypuss, 'Now look what you've done.' She turned back to the audience. 'Don't worry, folks...'

'Get her!' The villains – Dark Side, the Hatter, Bruzzini, the Shadow, Whiskers, the Foster's House creatures and many more – all ran onto the stage, salivating with sadistic delight.

'Um, now...' said Susie, feeling an unexpected tingle of fear well up inside her, 'Can't we just talk about this?' The response to that was her being whacked to the ground by Dark Side's tail.

Looking behind a curtain, Denise sighed, and followed that up with a short laugh. 'Well, let's deal with this.' As Dark Side lunged over Susie, licking his lips, Denise leapt in front of him. The shark rose to the air and dove. As he plunged to the stage, Denise kicked him in the chin, sending him crashing into the ceiling. Denise looked at her recent victory in pride, before being hit in the head with the blunt end of an axe. Stumbling over on the stage, she looked up to see a grinning, demented Wilt.

'I'm sorry,' said Wilt, evil versions of Bloo, Coco and Eduardo behind him, 'but I'm gonna have to kill you.' Denise tried to get up, only for Coco to land on her. Wilt slithered up to the defenceless dragon and raised his axe, laughing maniacally as he did so.

'Stop right there!'

Wilt immediately ceased his cackling and turned to see six familiar ponies standing on the stage. 'You!'

'Brothers,' cried Twilight Sparkle, 'Be free of the evil that holds you!' Using the power of the Elements of Harmony, the ponies returned the Foster's characters to their former selves.

'Whoa!' said Wilt, happy to be back to normal. After he got Coco off Denise, he said, 'Sorry for trying to murder you, that okay?'

'Enough apologies, look behind you!' A group of the Hatter's Cheshire Cats had leapt into the air towards a scurrying Susie. Wilt, Eduardo, Coco and Bloo darted in the Cats' direction, and began to fight every one of them. One jaguar was about to pounce before Wilt threw a basketball in its face, knocking it unconscious.

'What!' cried the Hatter, 'Fight back, you fools!' Just then, he noticed Pinkie Pie beside him. 'Oh, I know you have a lot of insanity...'

Pinkie leapt up in the air and kicked the Hatter's head off.

'Ow...' groaned the Hatter's head.

The other ponies were engaged in fighting off several villains, with Twilight Sparkle up against a rather cheerful Whiskers.

'I like horses,' was the last thing Whiskers said before Twilight kicked him away with her hind legs.

The commotion had not gone unnoticed from outside, as Daryl walked in to see what was going on. As he entered, a troll soldier lunged at him with a blade, only for Daryl to instinctively punch it down.

'Oh great,' said Susie as she fought off Gaspar Le Gecko, 'Not him.'

'Oh good,' said the Mayor quietly to himself, 'Daryl's here.' While he was disappointed he wasn't going to use that spell he had planned – he sadly tossed away the pineapple – at least now Daryl was going to get blown to bits. Knowing he'd go unnoticed among the fighting, he rushed to the front door. That bomb would go off any...

SCRATCH!

The Mayor stumbled over backwards, holding his face in pain. Through his fingers, he could see a female gryphon with her claws bared. 'Out of my way, lame-o!'

So on the fight continued. Gilda joined her old friend Rainbow Dash in bashing a few more Cheshire Cats, as the headless Hatter leapt about in horror. Dark Side had removed himself from the wall, only for Susie to leap up and hit him with a microphone. Seeing this, Denise flew up to inflict further damage on the shark, only to be ensnared by a tentacle of shadow. The Shadow, his grey trenchcoat flapping in a sudden breeze, laughed as he held his prey.

'Put her down!' screamed Daryl as he bit the tentacle, making the Shadow howl in pain. Conjuring up another tentacle, the Shadow knocked over Daryl and pinned him to the ground. That grip lessened when the Shadow was pinched by the redeemed Wilt. A shrill 'COCO' turned Wilt's attention towards Coco being attacked by the Great Bruzzini. While he cracked his ringmaster whip, she attempted to peck him. Wilt grabbed the whip and wrapped it around Bruzzini, leaving the ringmaster helpless.

The Mayor, meanwhile, knew he should be running away to safety, but had become addicted to watching the fight unfold. Seeing Dark Side back in action, diving towards Daryl filled him with a sense of

**KA-BOOM!**

* * *

'Good thing the ponies got away in time,' said Daryl to himself. All he could really do while in casts was talk, really.

'Yes,' said Denise, in the bed besides Daryl's. 'They got out okay. I told you it was a bad idea, Daryl.'

'It was Spartypuss' idea.'

Spartypuss, despite his power was also in the hospital, right next to Susie. 'I'm very sorry.'

'Don't be,' said Susie, 'That was the best night ever! I never had so much fun!'

'It was a disaster!' protested Daryl.

'All those mean villains beat me up!' said Spartypuss.

'Those mean villains made it so much fun, and the bomb was just the icing on the cake! As soon as we get better, Spartypuss is going to rebuild the club and we'll do it again! But this time, we'll invite only villains, and we'll have firearms...'


End file.
